Hi, Ben. Have you ever been tested for Bi-polar disorder. It sounds this is causing your suffering. Ups and downs, hate versus manic episodes are characteristic of bi-polar. Regardless, it is disheartening to hear of your affliction. I know that medication seldom helps, and the episodic depression cannot be outrun, out-trained, out-medicated, or out-lived. It is something which the afflicted must deal. I wish you well. Thanks for sharing. Regards